I was doing great... well, at least fine. I was doing fine - but not in that snippy-response,-push-all.-the.-feelings.-under-the-carpet kind of fine. Fine - as in, honestly - I was feeing like I was doing fine...
I had thought about writing a follow up post on how laying down my #LoveIdol went for Lent... on how I was feeling like I was walking taller and stooping down to Self-Doubt and Hesitation way less often. I have no plans of propping those idols back up. I walked in such freedom and in a fuller sense of feeling like I really am enough, simply because I am His. I don't know that I can, in all honesty, say that I am free all day, every day. But I am walking in freedom and on most days since the beginning of this challenge through Lent, I battle less, and win more. So, you see? I was fine... better than fine really... until, all of the sudden, I wasn't so much.
Oh how those little idols can crawl back up so sneaky like and if we are not careful, they can just make themselves right at home again. As previously stated... I was fine!
During Lent, as I was learning to live without hestitation... to say Yes more quickly and wholeheartedly... as I was standing tall in God-confidence, I was also gaining weight, detoxing (which made me look like the classic preteen 'before' picture in an acne commercial), and trying to plan another gathering in my home with little to no RSVPs coming in. I felt a little spacey that I was really feeling great, despite my circumstances... then our budget was stretched even further, and someone stole our identity... and... well, you get it.
It was a lot at once and I was super busy... (my first clue!) Instead of giving myself a little slack and some room to breathe, I was adding things to Bossy Lists and entertaining self talk that was less than positive (my second clue!) and then swung over into being all justify-y about everything.
In the midst of being over busy, over tired, and over budget, I began an old familiar
rant conversation with God that started out something like, "You are the One who asked me to do this... I am doing this and trying to trust that You are gonna make something beautiful out of my mess. You know how much I have on my plate (as if it's His fault...or even His idea!) and you know my heart here..." This quickly shifted into the beginnings of a pity party ("I know you have called me to create community but... it is never easy... no one will come... I just can't ever do it right/good enough...") and once I recognized the whine in my own voice, I had one of those glorious Snap Out of It moments.
Whew... that was close!
You see, what was happening was that I was whining myself right back in to Self Doubt and Hesitation... The Maybe's began to enter in to my thoughts... Maybe I'm not supposed to be doing this. Maybe I just decided it on my own. Maybe He really didn't ask me to step out like this. Maybe no one will show up. Maybe too many will show up. Maybe I should stop trying to (fill in the blank here, you get the idea!)
All those Maybe's are dangerous. But when I remember... when I remind myself again and again - that I am Preapproved, that I am enough, because He is enough, then all my Maybe's change. He swoops in and shifts my mindset back to all the possibilities of Maybe.
Maybe I'm AM supposed to be doing this and this resistence is just confirmation. Maybe He really did ask me and equip me and give me ideas to step out like this and make it special. Maybe whenever I say Yes, He shows up... Maybe if I feel called to bless and love and connect, it's just a hint at how much He wants to bless and love and connect. Maybe only a few will show up - but He will be among us. Maybe too many will show up - and He will be among us... either way, He will be here and too many or too few doorprizes...
I really don't think... well - Maybe that is so not the point of it all anyway!
It's not coincidence that I am reading "Rhinestone Jesus" by Kristen Welch right now... the hashtag that is riding along with this new release is #YesinmyMess and the tagline to the book is "Saying Yes To God when sparkly, safe faith is no longer enough." Yeah. That.
So - I escaped for an overnight getaway with a few girlfriends. Sometimes you just gotta know when to get away... go for a drive... get out of town if possible, laugh with friends. We all had been bowing down, looking for approval, searching for answers that we already knew. Him... He is always our answer and strong tower.
My Honey, who is amazing, said Yes (in my mess! Ya see what I did there?) and he said "Go!"... so I did. (Real quick like!)
And now, with a little rest, my even more so overstretched budget, and my bended knees, I am finishing up the touches to the (in)RL Meet up on Saturday. I have talked myself down from the Freak Out ledge and managed to not give in or make room for Self Doubt or Hesitation to get all cozy and comfy. Anyone is welcome on Saturday and only God knows who He will bring to my doorstep, but I know that those old love idols will not be hiding in the house, messing up my hostess mojo.
I am Preapproved. I am saying Yes in the middle of my Mess because while I AM Enough, a safe, quiet, risk-free closed door faith just doesn't cut it... and me? Well - I was made to create Community... to Speak Life... to Be Love... to Shine On!
I am honored to be a part of Kristen's Book Launch Team and Tyndale has been gracious enough to give me TWO books to Giveaway to two lucky readers. I am not finished yet, so I am saving one book to giveaway next week on the Official Launch date, when I write out my book review (hint - I love it already and I am only a few chapters in!) but today - in honor of pressing through, of laying down again those love idols, and saying #YesinmyMess, I am hosting a Giveaway for ONE COPY of Rhinestone Jesus... just enter below!
If you are not familiar with (in)RL it is the Women's Conference that comes to you! It is free, and it is happening online on Friday night, and all around the world in living rooms and churches and coffee shops on Saturday! For more info or to register, click HERE.
I'm linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee for #TellHisStory
...with Kristen Welch over at We Are That Family, promoting #RhinestoneJesus
and with Holley Gerth for #CoffeeforYourHeart
How have you said Yes in your Mess recently? I'd love to hear!