Pregnant... are YOU?

I'm not even sure where to start with this post...

I suppose I will start with a simple statement I made about 2 months ago... seemingly out of the blue. Once it left my lips however - I knew it carried some Holy Spirit weight and it so affected the very atmosphere in which we were sitting that my little family of 3 all felt a shift. I don't even know WHY I said it... I really don't know much about Heidi Baker or her ministry or life. I was on my computer and I must have run across a photo of her or something - and I looked at my husband and daughter sitting near me on a couch and I said, "I don't know WHAT would happen if I ever met Heidi Baker... but I know that everything would be different!" It didn't even really feel or sound like me as it was coming out... and it took us all 3 by surprise. In fact, my husband sort of laughed nervously and shifted in his seat and our daughter immediately started to tear up and said, "I don't want you guys to move to another country!" We all just sort of soaked in the electric energy of the moment and awkwardly shrugged it off. (Side note - my daughter really doesn't have a clue who Heidi Baker is - and she had no knowledge of what she did or that she even lived in another country!)

That was two months ago... we brought it up one time - and it charged the air around us once again. To be honest - the thought both excites and terrifies me. The one thing I know about 'Momma Heidi' is that she SO exudes the love of Christ- he drips out of her wherever she goes!

OK - fast forward to Christmas time. My husband and I are attending SOAR - a satellite school of Bethel Supernatural School of Ministry and we were having our Christmas Party. The leaders decided it would be fun to do this little prophetic exercise at the party that they do in Redding and had everyone bring a couple of magazine and some scissors. Our 'assignment' was to pray - page through some magazines and cut out words and/or pictures that God highlights to you... glue them on a piece of paper and when you are all done, turn it over - find the name and take it to the person whom you made this collage for. Fun... no pressure... and a safe place. If it makes since - great... if not - well - we are all just learning. I think it is safe to say that at least one thing on everyone's collages spoke to them or made an impact. It was a fun little activity and I am sure I will do it again soon with my kids or with my girlfriends!

The man who had made my collage slowly approached me and he opened with: "Don't be offended... but could you be pregnant?" This - you have to know - is a very funny statement! This has not been possible for some time now and it is definitely not in the realm of something I am wanting or praying for - what-so-ever! So I dismissed it and he recovered by saying maybe it is just because I love life... (My collage had "Celebration of Life" all along the top!) There were a few other very great words/pictures that really did seem prophetic and confirming! All in all - I didn't give his opening question another thought! I should include just a little TMI... I am a 26 day girl... I could tell you almost down to the hour of the start of my cycle. I was supposed to start my cycle in the afternoon - of the day of the party but I hadn't yet. I didn't really give it too much thought until I was nearly 4 days late... then I remembered that question. So I spent a few days concerned and just a little bit mad at God. I didn't really notice it in the beginning, but I had stopped talking to Him. I just wanted Him to fix it... I didn't want Him to give me His opinion or plan - I just wanted what I wanted on my terms. Yes - I realize the irony of this with the timing of the season of Mary saying whatever be Thy will and all... I am no Mary - this is for sure! We are nearing the new season of having an empty nest and I saw absolutely no humor in this. After a few MORE days... He pointed out to me that I was ignoring Him. It was as if my ignoring Him would manipulate Him into doing my will. I know this is NOT so... not healthy - and I would not advise taking this route with your relationship with the Lord. I am also aware that this makes me seem maybe a little (or a lot) spoiled. I have a very close relationship with God... He is especially fond of me... I can't help it! Anyway - once I realized this, I decided that maybe the next day I would talk with Him! I went to bed and told Him, "OK Lord... I am not really wanting to talk but if You have something to say about this, You can wake me up and I will spend time with You and listen."

You see, for about 16 years now - we have an ongoing date. When He wakes me up at exactly 3:33am - I get up and spend time with Him. It is my ongoing Jeremiah 33:3 Wake Up call. So - of course, you know He woke me up at 3:33 and I crawled out of bed reluctantly... sat in my chair and got out my journal. I was honest with Him and said I would listen - but I wasn't happy and I didn't know that I would want to talk. I told Him I knew that if I was in fact pregnant - that He would change my heart and I would be happy about it... but it was not something I was secretly wanting or anything.

Immediately - He began to speak... I will simply type out what is in my journal:

"I am over a week late and I am starting to freak out. Now I know with my age (41) and Dave's surgery (12+ years ago) it's most likely NOT a pregnancy, but more in line with a hormonal/menopausal shift. Yet still - the stress and anxiety has been high. Kayelyn is 16... we are slowly adjusting to the fact that one day in the not too distant future, she will not live with us. We are sad and excited about that - but never once have we regretted our choice to have just one. So - after a few days of not giving it much thought... then a few more days of pleading to start, I just stopped talking to God. I know, as if the silent treatment from me would get Him to move? I had realized that I was doing this and that I was a little mad at Him for allowing this to happen in the first place. I wanted Him to 'fix' it and let my cycle start and we could just continue on. I still want that... but I did apologize and repent... and I told Him He could wake me up if He had something to say. So - here it is 4am and He is chatty.

He said He has gifted me to be a nurturer... He's anointed me to be a spiritual mother to the nations... that I 'mother' whoever He puts in front of me - no matter the age or situation. He asked me what is another word for being pregnant? "Expecting"... He said He wants me to be expecting in 2012. He is going to birth some things and while His grace covers and my 'flesh' will know instinctively what to do - it will take some focus and laboring to deliver it. He said my recent statement about meeting Heidi Baker was a true statement. She is a spiritual mother. He said the things (specifically my call to write - but other things as well) that I have put on the shelves will come to pass/or come into play in 2012!"

Sooo.... wow! Funny how after all the stress - the call to be a 'spiritual mother to the nations' (whatever THAT is?) still seemed so much easier/better than actually having to BE pregnant? It turns out that I am - in fact - NOT pregnant! I took a home test and a couple of days later my cycle started but this seed is now planted in me... I spent New Years Day morning with Him as is my tradition and He gave me a prophetic word for 2012 that lines up perfectly with this word He gave me personally!

I believe that God is raising up Mothers to supernaturally nurture those who are needing to be loved on and brought into an understanding of who they are and the plans that He has for them! There is a company of women rising...

So - what are you pregnant with this year? What are YOU expecting? Pray and ask Him to show you what He has in store for you this year!

Pregnant with Hope,
~Karrilee~