August 26, 2009

The Sound of Silence... and Fear of Success

I can't believe how long it has been since I have sat down here with the intent of writing specifically for this blog. Of course, I could easily 'blame' summertime and the lack of schedule on my absence, and in part - that would be true! However I must admit, the whole truth includes reluctance on my part to continue to write more - when in fact, what I need to be doing, is editing what is already written. It just doesn't seem as fun though and so I deprive myself of this outlet, and yet still accomplish little to nothing as far as editing goes!

We are actually in the first week of Back to School and back to Fall routines! I love it! I am such a schedule follower and list maker... I find peace and rest in routine! At least routine for some portion of my daily life! I have learned in this past season however the power and preciousness of spontaneity - of being open and available to do something last minute! God loves both ways really - and it's fun to plan, and then sit back and be available to go a completely different direction! Summer was good to my little family! We really enjoyed some relaxing down time, and some powerful together time as well! I think though that all of us are happy to be finding ourselves back in the familiar routines this week!

As I plan and prepare my Fall schedule I am once again needing to schedule in editing and writing time... I am also praying I will have the discipline to follow through this time! I was praying the other day, asking the Lord to guide me and give me creativity in how to alter some things that He has asked me to sort of repackage and He asked me why I was so afraid of success. The question sort of caught me off guard and I thought it was a funny way to ask that - but then as I thought about it - I realized He is right. I have been afraid of success. Success will surely mean change... promotion... exposure... all good really - but it's that little bit of UNEXPECTED that causes me to wonder if it's worth it all. Of course - if He is in it... whatever change that comes will be for my good. I know this - but I still find myself reluctant to move forward. I have overcome many areas where my lack of follow through was holding me back - so I know I can press through this as well. But His question caused me to wonder: Are you too afraid of success? Is the reason you are not moving forward or pressing ahead because deep down - you are afraid of succeeding and moving beyond where you are right now?

This manifested itself in the form of a car for me. We desperately needed a second car over the summer. We prayed and began looking - knowing that our budget was tight, and small - and we'd need to really get direction from the Lord in what to buy. Before we ever went out to look, I felt the Lord ask me what I wanted... I sort of flippantly said something a little sporty would be fun - but really - dependable and reliable of course were most important. My husband found a car for sale by a private owner in a nearby town and we drove to see it on a Sunday afternoon in June. It was nice... REALLY nice... almost too nice! It looked brand new inside and out and had very little miles on it... I was determined not to love it right away! It just didn't seem responsible! So we both drove it - told the owner we would think about it and we left. I wrestled with my hesitation for days until the Lord asked me why I didn't want that car. I said, Well - I would love that car - but it's a little too nice! It may be too good to be true - besides, I don't really deserve a car that nice! I felt Him smile at me, and He said, No - but if you want it, you can have it! He consistently said that for weeks as we drove around looking at car lots and not finding what we wanted. We would discuss this car and call and talk with the owner and end the conversation by saying we'd think about it. Once again I told the Lord I didn't think I deserved a car that nice - and He said, You're right - you don't! But, you are a Kings kid - and I desire to bless you! If you want that car, you can have it! So I got confirmations left and right and we had favor with the bank, and in the end, we got the car! I love it! It is the nicest car I have had - and while I don't deserve it - I don't deserve any of the life I am blessed to be living right now! Gods' grace is bigger than we give Him credit for! I am trying to wrap my mind around what it may look like to be a successful writer, but in all honesty - as long as HE thinks I am successful - it doesn't matter if I ever get published or sell a single book... I have been enjoying reruns of The West Wing and they often say on that show that they 'serve at the pleasure of the President' - well, I write for the pleasure of my King! So - when HE assures me that we will write together and that He has plans in the words He gives me, I write for the pleasure of my King! When I am called to edit and rewrite, I do it all for the pleasure of my King - and to the increase of His Kingdom!

The other thing He has really been talking with me about this summer is how much He desires to speak to us! He is constantly singing over us and speaking to us... it's just that we have so often lost the art of listening to the sound of silence. We tend to want to fill the quiet. But I challenge you - enter in to the silence, push into it and listen for Him... He will speak to you there! You just may find, He's been speaking to you all the time!

So - back to routine, editing, and hopefully writing once in awhile as well! I do love to express what I am hearing and seeing and feeling!

Here's to success - and whatever that may bring!
And here's to the sound of Silence - and the Voice of God that comes forth from it!

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