As I sit here, I am 'staring at the blank page before me' and I realize that it has been some time since I last wrote. In fact, it has been some time since I really asked for something to write about... honestly - since I have even talked with God. After struggling with something and wrestling a bit, I finally came to some sort of breakdown this afternoon with my husband and admitted to him that I was angry with God and I had stopped talking with Him. I know, I know... not the most advisable angle to take... This is not my normal edited, polished, pre-planned, pre-written post... this is real, honest, and raw.
This is not something I advise, or something I am proud of. It's not the first time I have sort of stubbornly wrestled with the Lord about something, but it has been a long time - and even in that, this is different.
Luckily, I have the knowledge and assurance that God loves me... no matter what - and I feel like He has asked some difficult things of me in the past - and I know that He always wins out in the end, but this time - if it was in fact the Lord - well - He is going to need to give me a little more... no - a lot more - because honestly - I just can't see me following through with this one!
I am almost on the other side of this - to where I am pretty sure that what I thought I heard from Him - was actually not Him at all - however this unlocks a whole new hallway of OTHER open doors for the enemy! So - I have gone back and forth trying to figure out (or decide) if this was God - or not. Either truth poses confusion and concern.
Let me briefly tell you what has happened... a couple of weeks ago - in the midst of my Tuesday Prayer meeting, I was praying for someone in particular and I felt I heard the Lord give me a Scripture reference. This is a 'safe place'... a place that I regularly hear from and expect to hear from the Lord... and this is a familiar way in which He 'speaks' - by giving me pictures or references of Scripture. Most often, I am not positive what the verse says - and so this leads me on a chase. I was in the midst of declaring some things (as I have discussed in the previous post) over this person and all of the sudden, I heard in my spirit "Jeremiah 11:14"... Hmm!? OK - so I look it up... this is not a scripture you want the Lord to give you... I thought - huh?! Maybe it was Jeremiah 14:11... hmmm?! Says the same thing!? It basically says to stop praying. To give up... because He won't listen... Well, I don't have it in me to stop praying... in fact, I feel this goes against my call and I feel like it simply cannot be from God. Most of the time, since this day, I have had a fairly strong sense that this was not the voice of God - but the enemy himself attempting to silence my declarations and weaken my faith. The person I was praying for - the person I AM praying for - is not wicked... is not a lost cause or rebellious... I know God's heart is FOR her and not against her... and yet - I know the Voice of God! I am His, and His Word says that I will hear Him and know His Voice. So - I struggle with knowing if this was Him- using His own Word to call me to stop... or if it was the enemy, masking his voice and using scripture to confuse and defeat me.
You can see my dilemma, right?! If it was God - then first, why would He seriously ask me to stop praying for this person?! (or for anyone for that matter?!) Am I called to be like Abraham - because, I have to tell you - I just don't feel that in me and I can't see that I can do that... I can't stop. It sounds horrible - but even if it IS God... I can't see stopping. Secondly, if it was Him - what about all the other words and promises that have been spoken over her... are those all null and void now?! No - I know that they are not!
So then...if it was, in fact, Satan - then how is it that he was able to so easily convince me that it was the Voice of God? How can he speak to me in the midst of my intercession... in the midst of my 'safe place' and time spent with the Lord? I mean - I know he is relentless and consistent... he is crafty and he, too, knows the Word. But, while believing that he is the one who spoke to me gives me peace in the long haul - it causes me to doubt that I do, in fact, hear from God clearly... consistently all those other times?!
I was reminded of the scripture in Matthew that talks about how in the end times, even the elect, if it were possible, would be led astray. Am I 'elect'? Yeah, ...yes I am! We all are! We are a holy nation, a royal priesthood... and as much as we may be in tune and know the voice of the Lord - this is a season when the enemy of our souls is raising the level of warfare... he cheats and steals and lies and twists the truth, he is playing dirty, and he is playing for keeps! I encourage you to plead the Blood EVERY day... and to dig into the Word - because the enemy knows enough of the Word to mask his voice and cause us - (yes - even the elect), to be led astray...
As I was typing this out - the Lord led me to Proverbs 11:14 ("Without good direction, people lose their way; the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances." The Message) as well as Proverbs 14:11 ("The house of the wicked shall be overthrown, but the tent of the upright shall flourish." The Amplified)
Isn't God good to be patient with us and shine the Light on us... even as we feel like we are stumbling in darkness. The enemy was attempting to not only cause me to stop praying, but to cause me to question not only if I hear from the Lord, but to question His love... that alone should have tipped me off! But, God the Father, in His Abiding Love, and Abounding Grace - waits patiently for me to come to Him yet again and talk. To be honest, I was hesitant to even try to listen... (another tip off, if ever there was one!) because I didn't want Him to confirm the word... I stopped praying as much, (or with as much faith)... I stopped reading the Word for a little bit, and I stopped my morning devotional times... which of course, explains why it took me so long to break free from the lie! I know better... I have to tell you - this was a STRONG spirit. And if he is speaking lies with false authority to ME... I know he must be speaking them to you, as well!
Even as I wrap this up, I have to say that I am feeling much better! I am seeing things more clearly and while it is unsettling for me to think that I could have attributed this 'word' to the Lord and not recognize it for what it was - it is yet again a strong reminder that we all must be connected and in relationship with one another... because we will need each other - sometimes to decipher some of the most basic of things in the times to come! It is not enough to meet together - we must actually communicate and build relationships so that when... yes, WHEN... the enemy comes to disorient us and confuse us with the Word that we know... we will not hesitate to cry out for help! As much as I talk about being open and honest - pride can cause you to hesitate - and in this crazy busy world we live in now... all the enemy needs is a little hesitation! I am blessed to have friends who pray for me, and a husband who takes time to really look me in the eye when I hesitate... even still - I humble myself and confess that I did not handle this attack the way I should - the way I am encouraging you to do!
I pray you can learn from my mistake and find someone - just one person - with whom you can run to when you feel confused or unsure! I encourage you to stay tuned in, connected, and keep your lines of communication with the Lord and with the Body open...
("There rest is still unwritten...")
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